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Bare observations
By Mohammad Tlais, Contributing Writer

 

Beirut, Lebanon - As the days go by, change happens - personalities, looks, finances, climates, realities, dreams and even truths...

My job is to observe, to analyze, and to keep my eyes open… I choose to feel. I see the overachiever whose only concern is to reach the top no matter the cost, no matter who they stomps on, who are so keen on reaching the top but might, just might, forget about those that supported them.

She is the social climber fanatic. Evidently, she is successful, on every single level, for she is ambitious and diligent and is most probably going to achieve even more in the future. Yet, I sense something in her glowing eyes − even more ambition, and more self esteem; I see fire, a different kind of fire, a cold one, for she is a wall; she chooses to think; she cannot love; she cannot hate; she cannot feel; she dreads emotional commitment; love, friendship or any of her kin might tamper with success and thus unacceptable… But what about the future; what about her boosters, her worshipers, what?

Then I see the one who wishes he was her hero, a good friend of hers in fact, the one who idealizes her and, in effect, is in love with her. But the thing is: he is untrue with himself, for he is consciously aware about those lonely nights he is thinking about her, about her touch, fantasizing about a definite non-existent future with her. Thus, feeling apathetic is still much safer than the inescapable dread of thinking about his real problems and facing his true fears. To further perpetuate the lie, he then goes on and attributes his own under-achievements and shortcomings to the fact that he loves her; she becomes the alibi and the vicious cycle continues…unless…

And then, his adversary… I see the popular, everybody’s close friend, the sociable, the witty guy, the happy altogether person everybody wants to be like, the one whose only concern is upholding that image. However, his attitudes are so obviously induced and are by no means honest; there is no natural flair. He is happy, for now at least… But what about when it all ends, when times worsen, and it is time to lean on to his rock? There is no rock; it is not needed, is it?

Then appears his ally, the confused, the imaginative, the delirious, the one who would invent realities and make up far-fetched scenarios and chooses to believe them in an attempt to escape the real world of harsh realities. For now, he also is content and supposedly at ease. His choice of weapon is thus far affective; however, the truth about all dreams is this: eventually, one wakes up.

Another ally, this time an advisor, the sexy beautiful girl who is content with what she has, the apparent emotionally stable, still something attracts to her, but one cannot help wonder why she is not ambitious, why doesn’t she dream and aspire? Maybe the comfortable life and the surrounding leaves her with no time; maybe she is content; maybe she is unaware; maybe it is just her − passive. However, she is nice and funny; I like her, and I think she is normal… But then again, who is to judge what normal is?

And then my vision is blurry, but after I rest, it is clear again. I see everybody else − a bubbling cauldron.

I see the idealistic want to be, the one who keeps on mentioning his devotion to his ideals; he is a liar, for he hides behind his dirty wishes; he is a devious serpent that is hurtful… He is the SILENT one, the few words he speaks, unnecessary, for if a truth is factual, it would be apparent and obvious; mentioning it again and again is only proof of its hollowness.

Then appears the merry, the handsome guy, witty, smart, truly lovable, respects himself and everybody else does; he is ambitious and loyal; he continuously seeks improvement and acceptance. Acceptance is very important, adjustment, for this is his drive and his goal. He is always laughing, is in a good mood, and is fun to be with. Oh, but he also feels, for HE is human. Rarely is he upset or angry, but when he is, he becomes a bull, a storm of loud shrills, of deafening blasts, of hidden sorrows and concealed miseries − an erupting volcano of dangerous FIRES.

And many others who come and go: the nerd, the athlete, the passive, the religious, the political fanatic, the patriot, the fake, the true, the courageous, the funny, the smart, the stupid, the poor, the rich, the honest, the liar, the strong, the weak, all of them… always, all of them.

And finally, before I retreat, I see them from a distance, walking side by side, or rather running, and heading towards a temporary common insignificant purpose.

I see the lucky ignorant living in blissful emptiness, gnawing at life unaware that he will be the one who will leave without adding a word to the book of the days. Next to him, somewhat envying him for the simplicity, but even more pitying him for the ignorance, the depressed introvert who is miserable and in pain, but don’t be fooled or deceived for he is secretly ecstatic with his pain; it is his refuge and companion, his secret weapon, his ambition architect… It is his shadowy lair from whatever realities.

All of them want the same thing; knowingly and unknowingly, they tread on the many roads which are they. But the destination is one; desperately they seek happiness. It is the ultimate goal; all they ever want is contentment and peace of mind.

Evidently, I then see LIFE, taunting them, still not wanting to yield, still much stronger than they are, and definitely still more persistent and shrewder, and this will be the case forever… Desire… Desire… Desire.

As for me, at the end of the day, I become weary of observing, and my mental notebook is flooding. I collapse onto my bed and pray for God to bless me with joyful dreams, but I do not fall asleep as quickly as I have wished. I find myself still thinking, still searching, still fearing, still hoping, still wishing, still fighting, still remembering, still promising, still feeling − still wide Awake, for I am no different than everybody else; I am also one of them.

Hopefully tomorrow will hold a better reality.

Good night and sweet dreams.